>> Mark: DESPITE THE THINGS MY DAD TRIED TO TEACH ME, I’M NOT REALLY A “FIX-IT” KIND OF GUY.

I CAN REMOVE A SUSPICIOUS MOLE AND STITCH THINGS BACK TOGETHER WITH BARELY A SCAR, BUT I SOMETIMES HAVE TROUBLE PUTTING IN A FLUORESCENT LIGHT BULB.

I CAN HANDLE PRETTY MUCH ANY HOME REPAIR THAT DOESN'T REQUIRE TOOLS.

BASICALLY, THAT LEAVES SWEEPING, TAKING OUT GARBAGE, AND JIGGLING THE TOILET HANDLE WHEN THE WATER KEEPS RUNNING.

SO I HATE GOING TO THE HARDWARE STORE.

IF THAT DOESN'T SOUND SCARY TO YOU, YOU HAVE PROBABLY NEVER WANDERED AROUND FOR 2 HOURS TRYING TO FIND EXACTLY THE RIGHT HOLLOW WALL ANCHOR.

MOST OF THE TIME I'M NOT EVEN SURE WHAT I REALLY NEED.

EVEN IF I KNEW, I'D NEVER BE ABLE TO FIND IT.

NORMALLY I WANDER AROUND, LOOKING IN VARIOUS DRAWERS AND BINS, AND THEN I FINALLY ASK THE HUNDRED-YEAR-OLD LADY BEHIND THE COUNTER FOR HELP.

SOMETIMES I SWEAR SHE KNOWS WHAT I WANT BEFORE I TELL HER.

IT’S LIKE, “YEAH, HI, I'M LOOKING FOR--” “AISLE 14, SHELF 6, LEFT BIN.” I THINK THEY ENJOY WATCHING ME WANDER THROUGH THE AISLES, PICKING UP VARIOUS SCARY LOOKING SPRINGS AND PLUGS UNTIL I FINALLY GIVE UP.

THEY PROBABLY BET EACH OTHER ABOUT HOW LONG IT WILL TAKE ME TO WALK UP TO THE HELP DESK.

“I NEED ONE OF THESE,“ I TELL HER, SHOWING HER THE WEIRD THING THAT FELL OUT OF THE SLIDING CLOSET DOOR.

SHE GOES, “YEAH, THAT’S A NO.5 B-16 SELF-TAPPING PHILLIPS RETAINER SCREW.

AISLE SEVEN, DRAWER FIVE, BOX 2.” THEN THEY SEE THE LOOK ON MY FACE, SO THEY TAKE MY HAND AND LEAD ME TO THE RIGHT PLACE.

I SECRETLY WISH ONE OF THEM WOULD COME TO MY OFFICE ONE DAY AND SAY, “I FEEL KIND OF A PAIN HERE,” AND I’LL GO, “YEAH, WHAT YOU’VE GOT THERE IS AN ABDOMINAL NON-INCARCERATED INTESTINAL HERNIA.

YOU’RE GOING TO NEED YOURSELF A SURGEON.

FOURTH FLOOR, OFFICE 407.”